Love me Hate me ♥: Stop and Stare!

hey pals. someone ask me about "love" these few days.
i try to figure out and get myself an answer. but actually i can't even answer a simple question as this. i just stun there and stare at their faces. i shake my head tardily and shyly. why can't i answer it? because i'm still keeping my first love! LOL. and then they ask me again "why don't you start a relationship with a guy or someone whose you got feel?" hmm, about this question.. *maybe i'd thought a thousand or a million times. *but i just keep in silence and debate it myself.* hey, what's wrong haze?* i did crushed on a guy aged ago. i didn't told him but just stared at him. and i felt the world had messed up and complicated. it's just like magic or spells. fantasie and wonderful. he had stolen my sight, i could found him everywhere neither he's in crowded. but when i found that he had a girlfriend, i'm still acted like normal. we still chattering, and fooling around. because we were just friends *best friends*.*what i did?* i just offered up my sincere blessing to them. maybe those days i did shedded my tears for that. but after that, i really treated him like a friend. but this *give up* action remain 6 years.

after that, im afraid to crush on or falling in someone. because many things seems unsure, im afraid. i'm just a normal girl, i will also having those impulses to get in a relationship. but usually i'm still keep my intellect. Reika *my girl* said "babe. can't you just throw off your dignity sometimes?" and usually, i'm just smile and refuse to answer that. but nobody know i am just afraid, afraid of unknown, afraid of betray, afraid of heart-break. so. that's the long time. i can't get myself a boyfriend. hehe =D *so embarrasing*

i don't believe in marriage, because i think that marriage are maintaining by a paper. it locks up love.. after 10 years, wife isn't pretty anymore, and love between the couples getting decrease. but they don't divorced *why?* because they maintain their marriage for their children or the financial problem. after 20 years. 'love' won't exist anymore. Reika told me i'm too pessimistic and too desperate. and i told her "if you are me, and you see so many examples as me, i bet you won't say that." reika shut her voice. although i do not believe in marriage, but i do admire wedding. wedding is the start of marriage. but everyone get married because of their love. they trust themselves. they love each other. they wish to stay together and get a birth. everything is wonderful. i love to participate wedding party, i enjoy to capture every smile of the bride by my eyes. they are like the beam of sunlight, the warmth of spring. dazzling but warm. isn't that wonderful? maybe you will think that i'm so contradiction for my words. but that the true feeling that i think.

*how do feel about Ws?* tracion and many pals asked me. i said i will consider it. i don't mean to hurt him. he is a nice one and kinda shy XD. but i need to digest it. i can't get my answer now. time is the key. *thanks yongzi. maybe time is really the key. be patient and calm.*